Gleniz da MenaceAfter a couple of months, ngayon ko lang na-process yung reaction ng tito at tita ko nung sinabi kong nas-stress ako sa paglipat namin sa Calgary. It stuck with me kasi na-wirdohan ako sa reaction nila. Para kasi silang nagulat (with a mix of derision) nung sinabi ko na nakaka-stress yung paglipat—na parang unheard of sa kanila yung feelings of stress and anxiety when moving from one place to another.
I started drafting this entry nung beginning of June pa lang. Ang saya pa ng tone nung pagkakasulat ko that time. I even claimed this year to be one of the best ones. But after just a month, it went from being one of the best to one of the worst.
I’ve been tinkering on this blog post for some time now. The thoughts are concrete in my mind, but I find it challenging to put them into words. I know that I have to have it written just in case my mind wanders too much or get confused. Finally I finished it and here it is:
Through reading books and listening to intellectual conversations on podcasts, I’ve often encountered questions like, “What is your purpose?” “What’s your ikigai?” “What is your life’s mission? Your vocation?” They highlighted how important it is to have an answer, but these questions leave me stunned and speechless because I really don’t know. I envy those who have figured out theirs and are actively pursuing it.
I feel like it’s easier for some people. Kenneth, for example, is very serious about his career, so I believe what keeps him going for now is to climb the corporate ladder and provide for our small furry family. For mothers, it’s to be a good mom and raise well-adjusted kids. For religious people, it’s to serve God. For someone like me who isn’t focused on career advancement, isn’t a mom, does not have a religion, it’s quite hard. I feel like I’m at a disadvantage figuring this out. But I thought, maybe I just need some time. And indeed, time is what I needed.
Reading my anxious-filled journal entries back in January is making me anxious today. At the same time, I can’t help but belittle these old feelings. I find myself judging my past self, at kung bakit ko ba kinaka-bother yung mga bagay na yun dati. I feel arrogant, which in turn leads to fear. Kasi what if bumalik ulit ako dun? After my PH vacation, I’m in a better headspace now, and I want to preserve this current state. I am more confident, not easily triggered, and more at peace.
Bago ako pumunta sa theme ko this year, babalikan ko muna ng very quick yung late mid-year check ko for 2023. May isa pa kong goal na na-accomplish so from 77%, 85% na ang success rate ng 2023 game plan ko! Yayyy! Nakaka-excite tuloy mag-goal setting next year. Alam ko sabi ni James Clear na “forget about setting goals”, pero kanya-kanya lang yan. Kung san tayo happy.
Edit: 81% lang pala kasi nagdagdag pala ko ng 3 pahabol goals at di ko na-achieve yung 36-hour fast. So out of 16 goals, I achived 13 😊
Excited na rin akong isulat ang 2023 highlights ko. Nasimulan ko na sya several months ago pero ang dami ko na sigurong nakalimutan. I’m looking forward to reminisce the past months. Pero ito na muna ang game plan ko next year.
Kausap ko last week si *secret* na super naging close ko na, at na-trigger talaga ko dun sa advice na binigay ng ninang nila sa kasal. Ughhh nakakainis talaga. Bakit ganun ang tinuturo nila sa mga babaeng bagong kasal?? Parang ganito yung advice:
I-make sure na presentable ang mga asawa natin kasi pag hindi sila presentable tingnan, nagre-reflect yun ng masama sa babae, na parang hindi natin sila inaasikaso at inaalagaan.
Umiiyak ako habang ine-explain kay Kenneth kung pano ko natutunang i-embrace ang pagka-crybaby ko. Hindi kasi aware si Kenneth na di porke’t umiiyak ako, negative na agad. Minsan kasi pag naguusap kami at may ine-explain ako sa kanyang intense moment, or pag nagshe-share ako ng feelings, may kasabay na pagiyak. Minsan positive naman yung rason (tulad nung kinekwento ko sa kanya na I feel loved pag mine-mention nya ko sa workmates nya) pero maiiyak pa rin ako. Basta anything na emotional, automatic iyak.
Since maaga akong nagising ngayon, naisipan kong basahin ang newsletter ni James Clear. Parang binasa yung utak ko kasi sakto yung mga quotes dun sa newsletter!
I am still feeling some anxiety, and I have a collection of quotes (from books, newsletters, and podcasts I consumed) ready for me to read when I have this overwhelming emotion. Here’s one that made me smile and helped me ease up a little bit:
“I’ve found that it’s of some help to think of one’s moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather.
Here are some obvious things about the weather: It’s real. You can’t change it by wishing it away. If it’s dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can’t alter it. It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.
But. It will be sunny one day.
In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. “Today’s a crap day,” is a perfectly realistic approach. It’s all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. “Hey-ho, it’s raining inside: it isn’t my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage.”
Stephen Fry
Gleniz da Menace