Gleniz da MenaceYou’re reading this because you’re a paid subscriber. Thank you! 🤍
(a low energy) Hello,
Nung nakita ko yung suka ni Walnut na may pink and light yellow green material, tumingin ako dun sa bulaklak na bigay ni Kenneth nung Valentine’s Day at nakita kong may punit yung isang petal nung lily. Dun ko lang naisip i-search kung toxic ba ang lilies sa mga pusa.
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Among the many reasons why I like to write, I think one of them is the desire to be understood. As someone with a resting bothered face, I’ve been misunderstood countless times. Sobrang puzzled ko pag sinasabihan ako ng mga tao—including my relatives, my own mother even—“Bakit ka nakasimangot?” “Itsura mo para kang galit.” When in reality, I’m not mad whatsoever. I’m just existing. I am neutral. I’m a hundred percent sure that my facial muscles are completely relaxed. But to them, I seem to be exuding some kind of negative aura. Nung highschool days napapaaway pa ko. Ang sama ko raw makatingin.
Another year, another game plan. I’m so happy I don’t feel rushed to finish this post. I think dati meron akong nafi-feel na, “Dapat ma-finalize ko na ‘to bago matapos ang January.” But not this year. Bago ako pumunta sa theme at sa mga gusto kong ma-achieve this year, I will check first kung anong success rate ng 2024 game plan ko…
Okay, out of the 12 goals I set, I was able to achieve 7! I’m not aiming for perfect. Basta more than half okay na ko dun.
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Pakiramdam ko ang kalmado nitong mga nakaraang araw. Wala akong maisulat. Hindi ako nilalapitan ng drama, at hindi rin ako lumalapit sa drama. Kung may na-eencounter man akong drama-rama, hindi naman ako yung involved, kaya walang masyadong weight. Hindi ko alam kung character development ba ‘to na hindi na ko masyadong nagpapaapekto sa mga bagay-bagay, o wala lang talagang happenings. Pero feeling ko may something, at naninibago ako sa something na ‘to.
Ang isa kong napansin na pagbabago, ang tagal kong magbasa at magreply sa mga chats—which is unusual. Hindi na ko naaatat tulad noon na kapag meron akong unread messages, merong something sa loob ko na kailangan kong mag-reply agad. Hindi dahil feelingera ako na ang thinking ko nakaabang sila sa reply ko, it’s my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Ewan ko ba bakit hindi ako mapakali. Parang nakikita ko kasi sya as blank squares sa to-do list ko na hindi ko pa nachecheckan. Pero feeling ko tumatak sakin ‘tong IG post na ‘to kaya rin may nagbago:
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To soothe my anxious heart:
Minsan, I feel defensive sa desisyon naming hindi magkaanak. At yung minsan na yun ay ngayon. I think it’s due to some recent events, kasi ever present pa rin yung mga shocked reactions ng mga tao pag nalaman nilang wala kaming anak at wala kaming planong magkaanak. Siguro pag hindi ko na na-witness yung mga ganung comments and reactions, saka lang ako titigil magsalita tungkol dito. Since marami nang spokesperson ang mga parents, gusto ko naman maging spokesperson sa mga couples na nag-decide hindi maging parents, o kahit dun sa mga nagdadalwang isip.
One time habang nasa bakasyon kami, nakita ko yung meme na ‘to at naka-relate at natawa ako, so ni-repost ko.
Pero the moment na ni-repost ko, bigla akong na-conscious. Naisip ko, “Hala, baka offensive sya sa mga friends kong parents. Okay lang kaya yun?” Tapos naisip ko, my momshie friends post their babies all the time. They are proud to say, despite the hardships, how wonderful and fulfilling parenthood is. So hindi rin siguro masamang i-express, despite the judgment and criticisms, kung gano rin ka-wonderful yung kabilang side? Kaya with an anxious heart, I let it exist on my IG stories for 24 hours.
I read this New Yorker article about friendship, ‘The Trouble with Friends’. Feeling ko, it was a reality check. Narealize ko, my hope and aim for friendships were too idealistic and childlike. Ang nakatatak sa utak ko, “Gusto ko lang naman ng someone ngayon kung pano kami ng grade school bestfriends ko noon.” Yung updated kami with every single little ganap ng isa’t isa. Yung tanggap namin yung pettiness, we talk every single day, walang nakikipag-compete, we want to hangout as much as possible, etc.
For some naive reason, I still hope for this kind of friendship. But this article opened my eyes to the truth: adult friendships are just different. Old friendships won’t be as tight-knit as before, and some will just slowly falter. Your friends, no matter how inseparable you were, and no matter how close you are until now, will end up in different geographic locations—ako pa nga yung isa sa mga unang umalis, so ano bang nirereklamo ko?
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I am a regular user of ChatGPT. In fact, I use it everyday. Sya na yung Google ko—minsan therapist. Speaking of therapy, I will share my therapy experience one of these days. One thing I can say about it is, I highly highly recommend it. Lalo na sa mga anxious and easily overwhelmed people like me. Minsan kelangan mo lang umiyak at maglabas ng mga stuff na wala kang mapagsabihan, habang may nakikinig na professional na alam mong ilang beses na nyang narinig yung mga sinasabi mo, so malaki yung chance na hindi ka nya i-judge.
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Happy 18th birthday Isabellyyyy!
I am almost 36 y/o, which means I’m writing this 18 years after I turned 18. La lang. Naisip ko lang.
Gleniz da Menace