The last few months have been very difficult—it still is—and I continue to maneuver through this extremely tricky feeling called grief. I just want to say thank you to everyone who expressed their sympathies. Whether I managed to give a decent response or not, know that it made the heaviness a little bit bearable.
Month: June 2025
Categories
Rating My Hobbies
Our lola (I love you!) really made sure na bukod sa academics, marami din dapat kaming extra curricular activities. So bata pa lang ako, na-expose na ko sa iba-ibang hobbies. Kaya yung iba dito, inaral ko involuntarily pero nagustuhan ko rin nung huli. Yung iba naman, sinubukan ko talagang seryosohin as my career.
I will enumerate lahat ng hobbies na pinasok ko and try to rate them. Tapos sa huli, I will pick a top 3 and list kung ano pa yung ibang interesting hobbies na gusto kong i-try.
1. Singing
★★★★★
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Sobrang dami kong post na hindi natatapos kaya nakatambay lang sila lahat sa drafts (93 drafts to be exact). The oldest one is from 2018! Wow 29 pa lang ako nun.
Yung iba, medyo relevant pa naman at pwede ko pang i-convert into a new post. Pero yung iba, sobrang outdated na. So naisip ko, para hindi masayang, kokolektahin ko na lang sila into one post. Binabasa ko yung iba kanina at natatawa ako dun sa mga luma kong thoughts, at yung iba naman, napapa-“Awww..” ako sa younger self ko. Parang gusto ko syang i-hug.
Prepare for ultimate randomness and intense rants:
Nov 17, 2018
Title: List #1
MGA SIMPLENG BAGAY NA NAGUSTUHAN KO DITO SA CANADA LIST:
- Hindi mabilis mapanis ang pagkain kahit nasa labas ng ref. Tanda ko sa apartment namin sa Pilipinas, pagkalutong pagkaluto ko, ref na agad. Tapos yung mga oyster sauce na nasa bote, ang daling amagin nung lid. Sobrang humid kasi lalo dun sa apartment namin. Dito naman, sobrang dry. Kung dati ang binibili namin ay dehumidifier, dito humidifier. Nakakadugo kasi ng ilong yung dry air.
Jan 2, 2019
Title: Typical Day
Kaninang lunch break nag-bbrainstorm ako. Ang hirap mag-brainstorm mag-isa. Kelan kaya ako makakahanap ng art soulmate ko. Yung super talented para madami akong matutunan sa kanya. Nowadays kase, art ang focus ko kaya yun ang gusto kong pagusapan. Kaya lang wala naman akong kilala. Madami akong nakikita pero ang creepy naman pag bigla ko na lang silang ime-message. Kahit ako maki-creepy-han pag biglang may nag-chat sakin ng “Can we be art soulmates?”
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Seven questions for my 35-year old current self:
1. When you were younger, what did you think 35 would look like?
Nung 25 ako, ang big deal samin mag-30. “Samin” kasi same sentiments kami ng mga officemates ko noon. Lahat kami in our 20s pa lang that time except for one workmate. Feeling ko sobrang annoyed nya sa mga reactions namin nung nalaman naming 30 “na” sya. Kasi kung maka-react kami kala mo ang tanda na ng ganung age. But it was also a pleasant surprise, kasi for us that time, hindi mukang ganun ang 30 y/o kasi ang ganda at fresh pa rin nya (ewan ko ba kung anong naiisip namin noon na itsura dapat ng 30). Sabi ko pa sa kanya, “Sana pag naging 30 ako ganyan din ako ka-batang tingnan” Tanda ko talaga yung pagka-sincere nung worry ko as a vain young adult. Pero nung nag-30 na ko, dun ko na-realize na bata pa naman talaga ang 30 at wala akong dapat ipag-alala.
Ngayong 35 na ko at napagdaanan ko nang maging 30 and up, isa na ko dun sa mga na-a-annoy pag may naririnig akong, “Huhu 30 na ko next year..” as if may mangyayaring masama pag na-reach mo na yung ganung age. But at the same time, I completely understand. I’m slightly amused even. Tumatawa na lang ako sa isip ko kasi pag susubukan kong i-explain na ang nonsense nung worry nila, hindi rin naman nila ko maiintindihan. May mga bagay talagang kelangan pagdaanan bago matutunan.
Simula nung nag-31 ako, nalilito na ko sa age ko. Kahit ngayon, minsan sasabihin ko 36 na ko pero hindi pa pala. Parang hindi na nagma-matter kung 32 ako or 34 or 36. Pakiramdam ko pare-pareho na lang yun. Pag malapit na kong mag-40 baka mag-pay attention na ko ulit.
2. What are your non-negotiables now? What are things you no longer tolerate?
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After I published this essay about my social life, ang daming leftover thoughts na nag-flow after. Parang ang dami ko pa palang masasabi. So consider this as a continuation of that previous post.
Unti-unti kong nakokolekta yung mga factors kung bakit pa-intense ng pa-intense yung pag-question ko sa quality ng social life ko:
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Minsan, pag kuntento naman akong nakatambay lang sa bahay, tapos excited ako sa mga plano kong gawin (either magsulat at magbasa lang naman yun, or manood ng TV or mag-chores), tapos makikita ko online yung mga tao na lumalabas with their family or friends, I feel this pang of anxiety. Pag nawi-witness ko sa social media yung ganun, parang napapa-question ako na, “Ganun din ba dapat ang social life ko?” And I think kaya medyo kakaiba yung impact nun sakin, kasi ilang beses ko nang na-encounter sa mga libro at podcasts na isa sa mga importanteng aspect daw ng well-being ay having a rich social life.
As an immigrant na ang family at close friends ay nasa iba-ibang parte ng mundo, in comparison sa mga nakikita ko online, it seems like my social life is lacking. I get confused. Is it a real lack, or just perceived lack? Kasi kung hindi naman ako nagbukas ng Instagram at hindi ko sila nakita, I would be perfectly content with my books and my cats’ fuzzy company. Ito yung dream ko simula nung highschool ako—I’m in my cozy home, peacefully reading books, bonus pa pag gloomy sa labas or umuulan. I’m finally living the dream! Pero pag nawi-witness ko sila na madaming ganaps, pumupunta yung isip ko sa well-being ko. Not even naiinggit na gusto kong lumabas din, naco-conscious ako na since hindi ako masyado mahilig lumabas, baka nakakasama sya sa health ko.
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It’s time to go back to one of my regular monthly posts. Dahil kahit malungkot tayo, tuloy pa rin ang paggastos—parang mas magastos pa nga pag malungkot.
Before we go to the weekly breakdown, Best Buy and Bye-Bye of the week muna:
Best Buy
SOBRANG nag-eenjoy ako dito sa bago kong e-reader. Dahil alam nyo naman na mahilig akong mag-annotate ng books, annotating e-books is the next best thing. Tapos (finally!) may kulay na yung book covers ko. Ang unsatisfying pag nakikita ko yung black and white covers sa Kindle ko noon. Parang hindi binibigyan ng justice yung graphic designer.
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Pag meron akong mga kaibigan na nawalan ng mahal sa buhay, I will say my condolences, sincerely let them know that I’m just here, then give them space. Aantayin ko na lang silang mag-message ulit pag ready na silang makipag-interact sa outside world. Pakiramdam ko kasi yun yung kailangan nila. Ayokong mangulit, ayokong maka-bother, feeling ko pag chinat ko sila ng “Kamusta?” baka mainis lang sila at sabihin nila na, “Ano sa tingin mo?” Pero ngayon na nagkaron ako ng isang major loss sa pagkawala ng lola ko, in my case, mas na-aappreciate ko pala yung kinakamusta ako. Hindi ko pala kelangan ng madaming space. Kasi pag nagsolo lang ako with my grief, ang hirap nyang dalhin mag-isa.
On comforting someone experiencing grief:
— Lori Gottlieb | How to Deal with Difficult Emotions During Tough Times to Support Your Family and Friends Effectively, On Purpose podcast
I hope we can talk about the truth of the loss, not distract them from that. Because that is what’s going to help them.
The excuse of, “I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable” but you’re actually making them feel uncomfortable by not speaking about what’s there in plain sight. Don’t be afraid to go to hard places.
Nagawa ko ‘to nung nawalan ng kapatid yung kaibigan ko. Siguro dahil sobrang close din namin kaya hindi mahirap sakin to “go to hard places” with her. Kahit few months after, or even years after she lost her younger brother, napaguusapan pa rin namin minsan yung pain at sadness nya. At ngayon na nawalan naman ako ng lola, ganun din sya sakin. Sabi ko sa kanya, kahit ang tagal ko nang pinaghahandaan ‘to at alam ko namang matanda na rin ang Mommy, never pa rin akong naging ready nung nangyari na. At yung pinakamasakit, hindi mo makokontrol yung way ng pagkawala nila. Kahit gano mo pa i-wish na sana hindi sila mahirapan, it’s really out of our hands. Na-comfort ako dun sa sinabi nyang, “Kahit alam naman natin na hiram lang ang buhay, ang hirap-hirap pa rin talaga.” Walang paghahanda ang sapat pag realidad na ang kaharap natin.
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Gleniz da Menace 