Gleniz da Menace
December is a sensitive month for me. Kasi simula pagkabata, as mentioned before, ito yung favorite month ko. Festive and vibrant ang paligid, magbi-birthday ako, nung bata ako alam kong magkakaron ako ng pera pamamasko, nung tumanda na nakakatuwa yung mga sale, and just overall looking forward to family holiday events. My brain had a certain expectation pagsapit ng December, built from my childhood and was a constant part of my world. Pero nagbago lahat yun nung nag-move kami sa Canada.
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Nung nagkasakit ang Mama, thankful ako sa music ni Chappell Roan. Hindi dahil sa nakaka-relate ako sa mga kanta nya, sobrang ganda lang talaga nung ni-release nyang album. Nakaka-soothe (isa sa mga proof na may healing properties talaga ang music). Basta pag nakakapakinig ako ng music ni Chappell Roan, naaalala ko yung malungkot na moment na yun at kung pano ko sya kinaya.
Ngayong nawala naman ang Mommy, naaaliw akong makinig sa SB19 (thanks Kat sister). Tinatawanan ako ng mga pinsan ko na K-pop fans. Sabi pa ni Isabelle, hindi raw nya gusto kasi mga muka daw maaasim. Hahaha! Basta feeling ko nababaduyan sila sakin. Eh may pagkahilig naman talaga ko sa mga baduy (e.g. Aegis). Basta magaling, kahit baduy, na-aappreciate ko. As in kung may pagkakataon, a-attend talaga ko ng concert nila. Pupunta nga dito sa Calgary ang SB19, kaso nasa Pilipinas ako nun. Sayang.
I’m just extra grateful for music nowadays. It helps me function when it’s too overwhelming to move. Music carries the weight of the difficult emotions and transforms them into something more bearable.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Nietzsche
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Among the many reasons why I like to write, I think one of them is the desire to be understood. As someone with a resting bothered face, I’ve been misunderstood countless times. Sobrang puzzled ko pag sinasabihan ako ng mga tao—including my relatives, my own mother even—“Bakit ka nakasimangot?” “Itsura mo para kang galit.” When in reality, I’m not mad whatsoever. I’m just existing. I am neutral. I’m a hundred percent sure that my facial muscles are completely relaxed. But to them, I seem to be exuding some kind of negative aura. Nung highschool days napapaaway pa ko. Ang sama ko raw makatingin.
I’ve been writing a lot for my blog over the past few days. I don’t know why I’m so excited about it. It feels like I’m doing something important when I’m actually not. I guess I just have a lot to say to no one in particular, and I’m glad to have the space to let it out. I’m living for that moment of possibility when someone, somewhere, would read it out of curiosity. I’m aware a handful of people read the blog, but it still feels unbelievable. I don’t even care if they like it or not, I’m just thankful for their time.
Gleniz da Menace