You Need to Cry

For days now, I’ve been ignoring my pelvic pain—maybe even weeks, I’m not sure. My constant pelvic pain is a reminder that I have endometriosis, something that probably won’t ever go away. Ten years of having this condition (going through two palliative surgeries and tons of hormone-altering pills and injections), medical science still doesn’t have much to show for it. The most I could do is get regular ultrasounds just to make sure those pesky cysts remain manageable in size (I hate that they’re also called ‘chocolate cysts’ because I love chocolates).

I try to ignore this pain as much as I can because it stirs up feelings of hopelessness and sadness. And when I feel those things, they only add more stress to my body, which in turn brings more harm since stress worsen the symptoms of endometriosis. So I ignore away. When the pain is sudden and intense, that’s the only time I unwillingly acknowledge the pain because ignoring it is impossible. But as soon as it dies down, I go right back to ignoring it, thinking what I’m doing is for the best.

Last night, while Kenneth and I were watching K-drama (Marry My Husband, it’s good), another sharp wave of pain hit me and Kenneth noticed it. He offered the usual things like this minty balm I use to soothe the pelvic area, or a weed gummy to help with the pain. I didn’t respond to the offerings. Instead, I confessed what I’ve been experiencing, told him what I just told you—ignoring my pain because it just brings sadness.

I don’t know why I was fighting back my tears while telling him all this. As someone who’ve always believed it’s healthy to cry, I had no idea why I’m resisting this one. I’m guessing because I’ve cried plenty enough about this and thought it didn’t deserve more. But the urge to cry was too strong and I eventually felt the warm tears on my cheeks. I cried for a good minute while Kenneth hugged me. When my emotions settled down a bit, we talked about my upcoming doctor’s appointment and how to approach it. I waited for that doctor’s appointment for 7 months! I hate Canada’s healthcare system. That’s why when I visit the Philippines this year, I’m getting my next ultrasound there. Because if I rely on Canada’s system, I’ll probably wait another 7 months just to get an ultrasound requisition.

Crying last night was a good release. I should’ve done it sooner. The thing I was avoiding was actually the one I needed. I needed that cry. The pain needed to be acknowledged. Ignoring the pain to “avoid being sad and stressed” was making me sad and stressed. Next time, I’ll make sure to cry as soon as possible.