Kids or No Kids

Sa ngayon, especially dahil nagkaron ng pandemic, ayaw ko pang mag-baby. Ilang taon ko na ring napag-desisyonan ‘to—although minsan aaminin kong napapaibig ako—kaso for the wrong reasons naman.

Minsan pag may mababalitaan akong parent na hindi maganda ang trato sa anak nya, mapapaisip ako na, “Pag ako naging magulang hindi ganyan ang gagawin ko, ganito dapat…” or “Ano kayang magiging itsura ng magiging anak namin?” or “Pag ako nagkaanak ganito ko sya papalakihin, i-eenroll ko sya sa foreign language class or sa piano or sa ballet…”

So in short, more of ako yung masa-satisfy, and for self indulgence lang yung reasons. Kaya bumabalik at bumabalik ako sa desisyon na ayaw ko pa, or ayaw ko talaga forever.

At isa pa, nung may isang boomer na tita na nagsabi sakin na, “Dapat sa next natin na pagkikita may laman na yan ah. Pine-pressure na kita.” Wow. Sa lahat ng mga nagcomment about sa pagbe-baby, sya na yung worst. I promise na sa next na pagkikita namin at sinabihan nya uli ako non, sasagutin ko na sya. In a respectful manner of course.

My ex-partner’s sudden urgency to have kids happened right after his friends started having them. When I asked about his change of heart, he admitted: “everyone else is doing it!” This argument only works if you value social norms — and some of us don’t. I don’t owe the world anything. Like, I’m also a talented visual artist but few people know this about me. I don’t owe the world art, and I don’t owe it kids.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Sobrang amen dito. Kaya gusto kong balikan ‘tong article na ‘to kasi very empowering. Na it doesn’t make you less of a woman if you choose to not have kids. It also makes you question and dig deep kung ano ba talagang totoong reason kung bakit gusto mong magkaanak. And once naging totoo ka sa sarili mo, mas makakabuo ka ng informed decision.

So ano daw yung common reasons? Medyo madami pero eto yung nakaka-relate ako.

1. Fear of Regret

If “you’re only doing it because you’re afraid of missing out” or “people say you’ll regret it if you don’t,” then you’re going at it all wrong.

5 Signs You Shouldn’t Have Kids by Gabrielle Moss | bustle.com

Eto talaga yung una kong nafeel nung nagkaka-babies na yung mga barkada ni Kenneth. Kasi mas si Kenneth yung iniisip ko. Na baka i-resent nya ko dahil ayaw ko pa. Pero si Kenneth naman eh nadadaan sa mabuting usapan. Nung napagusapan na namin ng masinsinan, na-pinpoint nya rin sa sarili nya yung reason kung bakit nya ba gusto. Which is yun nga, peer pressure and FOMO.

You will almost always regret the things you think you shoud’ve done, pero hindi ibig sabihin non lahat na lang ng bagay gagawin mo. Sobrang exhausting ng buhay mo non.

Good decisions are made out of love, not fear. Have kids because you’re ready to love — not because you’re terrified of regret or other risks.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Ganda nun. Tapos may shocking revelation dun sa article:

Some people do regret kids. They just don’t talk about it.

In 1975, advice columnist Ann Landers asked her readers, “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?”

Nearly 10,000 parents replied on handwritten postcards, and a few weeks later, Landers shared the survey results in an article headlined “70 PERCENT OF PARENTS SAY KIDS ARE NOT WORTH IT.”

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Sino nga bang aamin na sana hindi na lang sila nag-anak. Eh di na-bash at na-cancelledt sila ng mga netizens 🤣

2. Fear of Loneliness

Children go off and live their own lives. All of us, kids or not, will be left to deal with the sunsetting of our days. I don’t mean to be morbid; I only mean to be honest.

It is our job, not our kids’, to ease existential woes and deal with our death.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

ANG GANDAAAA.

3. Curiosity

Eto talaga yung #1 ko na reason. Sobrang curious ako. Kung anong magiging itsura nya, kung kaninong traits kaya yung makukuha nya, magiging artistic din kaya sya, magaling kaya syang kumanta, at kung ano ano pa. Pero:

Kids aren’t personal experiments. They’re not mirrors we can admire ourselves in. They’re their own living, breathing people and they’ll look how they look, learn what they learn, and be who they are regardless of us.

9 Brutally Real Reasons Why Millennials Refuse to Have Kids by Isabelle Kohn | therooster.com

Kids are their own, separate people — not extensions of ourselves.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Lalong na-reinforce yung decision ko nung binabasa ko ‘to noon, at hanggang ngayon. Pero kung sasabihin nyo na “God created us to procreate etc.” FYI, hindi ako naniniwala sa religion. Highschool pa lang ako atheist na ko.

4. Happiness

Since the 1980s, at least two-dozen studies have shown that the quality of marriage decreases once the couple has kids. Studies also show that when kids leave the nest, parents are happier than any other time in their relationship.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Hindi ko alam kung anong opinyon ko dito kasi since wala ngang parent ang umaamin na sana hindi na lang sila nag-anak, lahat ng naririnig at napapanood ko ay, “Having kids is the hardest, but also the happiest, most fulfilling thing in the whole wide world.”

So I don’t know kung agree ako na happier ang parents pag nag move out na ang mga kids. Kase sa family namin, alam kong nalungkot ang Mama at Papa nung si Kim na lang ang natira sa bahay. Pero I think if your relationship is strong, you can find happiness kahit kayong dalwa na lang, kasi nagsimula naman kayo sa kayong dalwa lang.

But going back to the reason for happiness, agree ako na kung tingin mo ay ang kasagutan sa ‘yong kaligayahan ay magkaanak, it’s a no for me.

5. Meaning

Many people cite their kids as the most meaningful part of their lives, but that doesn’t mean we should. Good parenting means honoring kids as their own people, with their own lives, whose “meaning” is entirely separate from ours — and vice versa.

Kids are not here to “fill your life”.

And secondly: our lives — and days — don’t have to be manically “filled.”

Many people are anxious about this, agonizing over the white space of childlessness.

Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids by Kris Gage | medium.com

Super agree. Very well said.

You can choose whether you want to have a kid or not. But your kid can’t choose to be born or not.

Most of the time, parenting either ruins or builds a person’s life. After considering your own reasons to have or not to have a kid, please also spare a thought to look at yourself from your future kid’s perspective.

@johnronand

After ng lahat ng nabasa at naisip ko, hindi ko sinasabing hindi na magbabago ang desisyon ko. It’s a no for now, pero open ako sa possibility na magbago ang isip ko in the future. But I will always keep these things in mind when it comes to making a decision about having kids.  I guess if I ever do decide to have children, it means nangibabaw yung fear ko, or ang curiosity ko, or pinili kong maging self-serving.

Pag may nagtanong uli sakin kung bakit wala pa kaming baby, ifo-forward ko na lang ‘to 😆