The Other F Word

Dahil isa sa mga pain points ko during this season of my life ay making friends within our proximity, naaakit ng algorithm yung interes ko pag binibigyan nya ko ng mga content about friendships. Hence, it’s one of my favourite topics to talk about. May mga nabasa at narinig ako na tumatak sakin kasi sobrang naka-relate ako or talagang nag-resonate.

200 hours

(According to past research) we need between 40 and 60 hours together for an acquaintance to become a casual friend.

In order to move from casual friends to close friends, you need to spend an additional 140 to 160 hours together for a total of about 200 hours.

It Takes at Least 200 Hours to Make a Close Friendship, and More to Maintain It — The Wall Street Journal

Buti na lang na-encounter ko yung information na ‘to kasi it helps set very realistic expectations. No wonder why many adults find it so hard to build friendships. It also became clearer why it was so much easier back when we were in school. Kasi almost everyday at buong maghapon natin kasama ang mga classmates natin!

To get even more specific, ito yung recent numbers from that study:

94 hours: when acquaintances become casual friends

164 hours: when casual friends become friends

219 hours: when friends become good/best friends

How many hours does it take to make a friend? — Saje Journals

Imagine yung time and effort dun pa lang sa 94 hours?? Example: kung nagkikita kayo once every 2 weeks, tapos sabihin nang 3 hours per meet-up, magiging casual friends kayo in about 1 year and 3 months! Woah. Casual friends pa lang yun ah. At isang factor pa lang yan—the time factor. Hindi pa kasama yung different interests, personalities, and priorities nyo. Ang hirap pala talagaaa.

Lower the expectations

Meron akong subconscious expectation dati na kung talagang compatible kami as friends, dapat first meeting pa lang sobrang in sync na kami. Nadala ko ata yung perfectionist tendencies ko pagdating sa friends. Pero tulad ng “love at first sight” na madalas ay ilusyon lang, wala ring ganun sa friendships.

Gaya nung isa kong friend, kahit constant kaming nagkakasama, it was a slow burn for us. Medyo matagal bago ko sya na-consider as a friend friend. As in years. Dati kasi meron akong hope na sana may ma-meet ako na sobrang similar ng interests namin. I was imagining this false perfect friendship. Pero ngayon, equally excited na ko sa idea na may ma-meet ako na hindi ko naman kagaya. Ang dami ko sigurong bagong matututunan sa kanya.

The introvert disadvantage

Lately, sobrang naha-highlight yung pagka-introvert ko kasi pag may mga nababasa akong advice na, “Put yourself out there, host a gathering, or consistently make plans with someone.” Nararamdaman ko talaga yung resistance at discomfort. Hindi ko kasi talaga nature eh. Pero kahit may resistance, ginagawa ko pa rin naman to the best of my ability. But I feel like hindi sya sustainable for me pag puro palabas yung energy ko. I also need someone who will occasionally prod me along.

Meron sigurong mga tao na ang reaksyon ay, “Para yun lang? Ang dali lang kaya!” Kaya naman na-appreciate ko yung exchange between these two podcasters kasi I felt validated:

DREW: I’m just somebody who makes friends wherever I go and I’m very fortunate that it’s always been that way. I fit in with different groups pretty easily.

MARK: It reminds me of a hot girl giving advice on how to easily date guys. Clearly, this has never been a problem for you. So it’s been interesting watching you. I think this is an area where you have a natural talent or gift.

How to Make Friends as an Adult — SOLVED with Mark Manson

Panawagan sa mga extroverts: don’t hesitate to use your talent! 😂

May mga nababasa rin akong essays na super nakaka-relate ako like: “Making friends is always embarrassing. Every part of it is embarrassing. Asking people to go to something is embarrassing. Showing up at things is embarrassing. It’s all one constant, never-ending humiliation (until it isn’t).” and “Why is making friends as an adult so… weird?” I find it so comforting reading this from other people. Yung utak ko napapa-“Yes, yes, YES!”

May times din na umiiral yung pride ko kasi pag napapansin kong kami lang ni Kenneth yung invite ng invite lumabas, tumitigil na ko. Especially ako na may social anxiety, every invite ko may kasamang nerves yan. So hindi rin siguro ginugusto ng nervous system ko na ako lang ng ako. I need reciprocity. Mas preferred ko rin yung aya na may specific date. I think para sakin mas sincere yung ganun.

Okay, I admit. Meron din akong shortcomings sa aspect na ‘to. Yun lang. Period. In-admit ko lang haha! Di ko kasi alam pano ipagtatanggol ang sarili ko. Basta I’m trying my best, okay??

The extrovert initiative

So speaking of extroverts, we introverts need them in our liiives!! Kami ni Kenneth (talagang nagsama pa kami na parehong shy type), we super appreciate people that are planners. Yung mahihilig mag-organize ng lakad. Or kahit nga hindi planado eh. Kahit yung spontaneous message na, “Punta kami dyan sa inyo mamaya.”

Tulad kahapon, ganun nga ang nangyari. As in yung aya nila is, “Now na!” Kaya kahit ang sarap ng higa ko sa couch at paantok-antok na ko, dali-dali kami ni Kenneth nagligpit para presentable naman kahit papano yung bahay namin. Nakakatawa kaming dalwa na paikot-ikot para i-check ang kelangan linisin o ayusin. Pero okay lang. Mas preferred ko pa nga na dito sila tumambay at uminom. Mas pipiliin ko na yun kesa magbihis, magsuot ng sapatos, mag-lipstick, at lumabas ng bahay.

Siguro yung mga extroverts sobrang wala lang sa kanila yung ganun. Wala silang pake kung sila lagi ang nang-iimbita. Meron kaming friend na siguro 90% ng meet-ups namin sya yung nag-initiate. Ibibigay ko talaga sa kanya yung credit na na-achieve namin yung 100 hours dahil sa kanya. Since kami ni Kenneth ay kaladkarin friends, oo lang naman kami ng oo sa mga lakad.

At madali rin siguro sa kanilang maka-move on pag nare-reject sila. Hays. Matagal ko nang wish, adolescent pa lang ako, na sana naging likas na extrovert na lang ako. Ang common term pa noon na naririnig ko sa matatanda, “Ma-PR.” Kaso hindi talaga.

After learning about the amount of hours it takes to make a friend, and hearing from fellow introverts like me, mas gumaan yung pakiramdam ko about this conundrum of mine. Nabawasan din yung frustration ko sa current situation namin as newcomers dito sa Calgary. I realized na itong tatlo ang makakatulong sakin na mas mapadali ang lahat ng ‘to:

1. extroverts
2. lower expectations
3. patience

Hanggang sa muli!