This is 35

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Seven questions for my 35-year old current self:

1. When you were younger, what did you think 35 would look like?

Nung 25 ako, ang big deal samin mag-30. “Samin” kasi same sentiments kami ng mga officemates ko noon. Lahat kami in our 20s pa lang that time except for one workmate. Feeling ko sobrang annoyed nya sa mga reactions namin nung nalaman naming 30 “na” sya. Kasi kung maka-react kami kala mo ang tanda na ng ganung age. But it was also a pleasant surprise, kasi for us that time, hindi mukang ganun ang 30 y/o kasi ang ganda at fresh pa rin nya (ewan ko ba kung anong naiisip namin noon na itsura dapat ng 30). Sabi ko pa sa kanya, “Sana pag naging 30 ako ganyan din ako ka-batang tingnan” Tanda ko talaga yung pagka-sincere nung worry ko as a vain young adult. Pero nung nag-30 na ko, dun ko na-realize na bata pa naman talaga ang 30 at wala akong dapat ipag-alala.

Ngayong 35 na ko at napagdaanan ko nang maging 30 and up, isa na ko dun sa mga na-a-annoy pag may naririnig akong, “Huhu 30 na ko next year..” as if may mangyayaring masama pag na-reach mo na yung ganung age. But at the same time, I completely understand. I’m slightly amused even. Tumatawa na lang ako sa isip ko kasi pag susubukan kong i-explain na ang nonsense nung worry nila, hindi rin naman nila ko maiintindihan. May mga bagay talagang kelangan pagdaanan bago matutunan.

Simula nung nag-31 ako, nalilito na ko sa age ko. Kahit ngayon, minsan sasabihin ko 36 na ko pero hindi pa pala. Parang hindi na nagma-matter kung 32 ako or 34 or 36. Pakiramdam ko pare-pareho na lang yun. Pag malapit na kong mag-40 baka mag-pay attention na ko ulit.

2. What are your non-negotiables now? What are things you no longer tolerate?

• As much as possible, gusto ko kumpleto yung tulog ko (at least 8 hours). More often than not, I do a good job recognizing na gabi na (kahit nag-eenjoy pa kaming manood ng TV) tapos aakyat na ko sa kwarto para magpaantok. At 35, I don’t like it when I wake up late—and for me that’s 9AM onwards.
• Having a quieter messaging app. Ever since gumawa ako ng separate FB account solely for my family and close friends (that I regularly interact with), naramdaman kong kumalma ang everyday ko. No more random messages from strangers or people you’re no longer connected to, no more group chats I don’t really feel the need to keep up with, no more chaos. Sumisilip pa rin ako from time to time (mga once a month) in case merong significant messages na sumulpot, but that’s it.
• Pag meron kaming kaibigan na paulit-ulit na may ginagawang kaasar-asar, tapos sasabihin nung iba, “Yaan mo na, ganyan naman talaga yan.” Dati kaya ko pang mag-agree. Pero ngayon sobrang against na ko sa ganung sentiments. Para sakin, ang tanda na natin para sa mga ganyan—pero hindi pa tayo ganun katanda para hindi magbago. Let’s stop being enablers.
• Abaca slides as my pambahay tsinelas. Dati gustong gusto ko yung mga fuzzy memory foam slippers na malambot sa paa. Pero ever since pinasalubungan ako ng Mommy (or Mama?) ng tsinelas na abaca, I never went back. Pag kasi yung mga memory foam, pinagpapawisan yung paa ko kahit hindi naman talaga pawisin ang paa ko. Pero nung ginamit ko yung abaca, no more sweaty feet. Ang presko nya sa paa. Alam na ‘to ng Mama kaya pag umuuwi akong Pilipinas, ang dami kong abaca tsinelas na pamalit.

3. What do you grieve about growing older?

Yung una kong naiisip, hindi na ko masyadong matapang. Nami-miss ko yung reckless courage minsan. Parang ang dami ko nang kinakatakutan ngayon. Dati naman pag nakasakay ako sa sasakyan wala akong thoughts na, “Sana wag kaming mabangga.”

Isa sa mga sobrang regret ko ay hindi ako natutong mag-drive nung bata pa ako. Feeling ko rin naman walang makakaisip turuan ako kasi wala naman kaming sasakyan pa nun. Kasi ngayong 35 na ko, ang hina na ng loob kong matuto. After failing two road tests, nakakawalang gana nang umulit. Swerte yung mga bunso naming kapatid kasi pinaturuan silang magdrive during their early 20s. Eh yun yung perfect age matuto kasi feeling mo kaya mo lahat.

4. What do you love about being 35?

• Mas magaling na kong magluto hihi. Minsan na-a-amaze pa rin ako na hindi ko na sinusukat yung asin para lang masigurado ko na hindi matabang o maalat yung niluluto ko. Marunong-runong na kong magtantsa.
  
  Also, I’ve found new appreciation for veggies. Feeling ko pag walang gulay, kulang.

• Hindi na ko nahihiyang mag-express ng thoughts at totoong feelings ko. Hindi na ko ilang. I’m not really someone who gets easily embarrassed kasi madali sakin tawanan ang sarili ko, pero mas lalo pa ngayon. Ang rare ko nang maging awkward. I have a new appreciation for earnestness now. Nagiging impatient ako sa mga nagpapaligoy-ligoy pa rin at pabebe (ganito minsan si Kenneth 😩😅)

• Mas madali nang bilhin yung mga nasa wish list ko.

• I’m starting to get a little comfortable with silence and not rushing to fill every gap during conversations. It is something I’m still working on though.

5. What don’t you like about being 35?

• At 35, I witnessed my maternal grandmother grow weaker and eventually, pass away. It’s depressing to think that when it comes to mortality, it’s not going to get any easier from here. I don’t like that I’m no longer in denial that my parents are just going to continue to get older. I now notice their fine lines, and how they’re not as strong and healthy as before. It’s honestly hard to watch.

• I sometimes get confused how to dress “appropriately” for my age. Can I still wear crop tops and graphic tees? Should I wear more dress pants and button-downs now? But at the end of the day, I just ignore my self-conscious critic and just wear whatever I want.

• Nabawas-bawasan na, pero yung tanong na, “Kelan kayo magkakaanak?” Wag na kayong magtanong kasi ito na yung sagot at ito rin.

• This isn’t true to all 35 year-olds out there, but I have no idea what my long-term career goals are. I took up Nursing and worked as a nurse, then quit being a nurse altogether. And ever since nagba-bye ako sa pagiging nurse, I feel lost. Pero hindi ko pa rin masabing may regret ako, kasi hindi talaga ko masaya non. Oo, hindi rin masayang maging lost, pero mas pipiliin ko yung unhappiness ng pagkaligaw kesa sa everyday kong pagpilit dumuty sa ospital.
  
  Ngayon, hindi na ko masyadong problemadong hanapin kung ano ba talagang career ang perfect para sakin. Basta mag-a-apply lang ako kung san ko feel mag-apply. As long as hindi ganun kahirap ang trabaho at hindi ako miserable, okay na ko. At this point, I no longer feel the need to figure it all out. Mas importante sakin yung buhay ko outside work.

6. What do your relationships look like now?

• Family

Mas sweet na kami sa isa’t isa. I was pleasantly surprised nung nakita kong nag-kiss ang Kuya sa Mama nung magpapaalam na silang umuwi. I hugged and kissed Papa when I greeted him on his birthday. Sobrang hindi kami ganun dati! For sure merong konting awkwardness kasi hindi naman kami lumaki ng ganun, but we do it nonetheless. Also, seeing “I love you’s” in the family group chat is a common occurrence now. All of these just happened naturally and I’m grateful for it.

• Kenneth

Our communication grows stronger and stronger through the years. Although may ibababa pa, sobrang bumaba na yung pride namin now that we’re both in our mid-30’s. Mas mabilis na kaming mag-sorry sa isa’t isa.

We’ve been together for 14 years and 10 years married na kami next year! Sa 14 years na yun, almost everyday talaga kaming magkasama. Lalo na nung nagstart yung pandemic at naging permanent work from home na sya. So far, even with the absence of kids, hindi pa naman kami nagsasawa sa isa’t isa. We must really like each other.

• Friends

As expected, kumonti na sila ng kumonti, and for me that’s a good thing. I admit may adjustment ng konti nung nasa transition phase pa from having so many friends to just a few close ones. Pero ngayon, hindi mo na rin talaga gugustuhin na marami. Nakaka-deplete ng energy mag-maintain ng madaming friendships, ng madaming circles. I’m not saying I’m not open to new ones—I believe there are still a few meaningful friendships out there waiting for me.

7. Where’s your joy coming from now?

• Nature! Short outdoor walks, seeing squirrels, hearing the *tweet tweet* of birds, easy hikes, staring at clouds, and the like.
• Trips to the Philippines and spending time with family
• Quality time with Kenneth
• Cats, cat-sitting, cat videos, cat memes, cat-themed anik-anik, fun facts about cats
• Curling my eyelashes kahit nasa bahay lang ako (this is my favorite eyelash curler).
• Water sprinkling our lawn
• Sprucing up the house and making it cozy
• Five-star reads, new music finds
• Younger people asking for life advice
• Investing and tracking our finances
• And of couse, writing here

PS: I grabbed my calculator just to double check. Lo and behold, 36 na pala ko, not 35 😆