Why I Like to Write

Among the many reasons why I like to write, I think one of them is the desire to be understood. As someone with a resting bothered face, I’ve been misunderstood countless times. Sobrang puzzled ko pag sinasabihan ako ng mga tao—including my relatives, my own mother even—“Bakit ka nakasimangot?” “Itsura mo para kang galit.” When in reality, I’m not mad whatsoever. I’m just existing. I am neutral. I’m a hundred percent sure that my facial muscles are completely relaxed. But to them, I seem to be exuding some kind of negative aura. Nung highschool days napapaaway pa ko. Ang sama ko raw makatingin.

Nung uso pa ang mga Friendster testimonials, yung first few sentences nila sakin laging may words na, “suplada” “mataray” “parang laging galit.” Pero biglang may bawi sa gitna na hindi naman daw pala, kasi nakilala na nila ko at naging friends din kami eventually. Don’t get me wrong. I can definitely be all of those things too. But more often than not, it’s just my plain old sungit face.

Then I came across the saying, “First impressions last.” so I tried to remedy it—especially nung nag-start na kong magtrabaho. Syempre gusto mong magkaron ng magandang first impression sa employers at workmates mo. So what I do is I sometimes try to make my face appear more pleasant by intentionally curling my mouth a little bit upwards, and doing something with my eyes para hindi sya magmukang nanlilisik, so that I can finally give off that ‘friendly vibe’. Kaso nakakapagod. Hindi natural. Dun ko ramdam na hindi relaxed yung facial muscles ko. Then I start questioning myself kung bakit ko ba yun ginagawa. It seemed so stupid, so I stopped doing it.

But when I write, people don’t see my misleading face, and I get to accurately express what’s really going on inside. When I write, people can learn that I just want to have a good time, or that I can be funny sometimes, or that I’m very empathetic and sensitive. Whatever it is, my unreliable facial expression is out of the equation.

Up until now, I continue to be misunderstood—especially by my husband—because my face is on display for him 24/7. Sabi nya nakaka-trigger daw minsan yung muka ko. Pero ang ironic, kasi sabi nya what initially attracted him to me ay dahil muka daw akong mataray. Labo 🥲 Anyway, kung triggered sya sa masungit kong muka, what I would say to that is: it’s a tie. I feel like ang #1 leading cause of our petty arguments ay dahil sa mga muka namin.

With Kenneth, at the end of the day, we know that we don’t have any ill intentions. Sabi ko nga sa kanya, passionate lang akong magsalita at magpaliwanag. When we’re in the right headspace, we don’t get triggered and we learn to let go. Minsan nga ginamit ko ang power of writing to communicate—I sent him a long text message kahit magkasama kami. It was effective and we didn’t argue. Pero may mga moments na talagang magkakaron ng misunderstandings and that’s normal.

With other people, I learn to trust that they will eventually get past this unintentional facade if they choose to. If not, well, I still have this blog.