READ THIS IF…
- You want to build better connections with other people
- You want to be more courageous
- You read Brené Brown’s Ted Talk and you can’t get enough of her
DON’T READ THIS IF…
- You’re perfect
Eto ulit yung book of the month ng book club namin at kakatapos ko lang syang basahin kahapon. Nakakaasar pa kasi nabura yung highlights ko dito sa Kindle. Nagspend pa siguro ko ng another 1-2 hours para i-scan yung buong book para hanapin yung mga hinighlight ko. Grr.
Eto yung backbone ng libro na ‘to. It’s a quote from Theodore Roosevelt:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.…
So in short, yung pino-promote ni tita Brené na human attribute is vulnerability. So yung question ko sa sarili ko nung na-encounter ko ‘to sa Ted Talk nya, “Vulnerable ba ko?” Vulnerable in a way na swak dun sa definition nya ng pagiging vulnerable. And yung sagot ko is, “Sometimes.” Definitely may room pa for improvement.
This book dares you to be courageous. To be brave despite of failures, criticisms and uncertainties. Despite making a fool out of yourself. So nakakatapang ‘tong book na ‘to.
That’s the paradox here: Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.
Uhg. Diba sobrang totoo?
VULNERABILITY LESSONS
- We can’t have meaning and purpose in life without human connection. And to make those connections, we have to be vulnerable. If you really think about it, we crave vulnerability. It may entail uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, but also:
Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.
- It doesn’t matter kung nanalo or natalo ka. Hindi yun ang point. What we have to understand is the necessity of both victory and defeat. What’s important is the act of trying despite feeling anxious. To engage when others just sit in the sidelines. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a strength.
- And while you’re being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, remember that you don’t have to be perfect. Perfectionism can be exhausting and is correlated with depression and anxiety. Have self-compassion by not being too harsh on yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you care about.
Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Healthy striving is self- focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.
- And stop looking for perfection in others too. Again, be compassionate.
We are hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves. That’s exactly how judgment works.
- Reject the I-it relationship.
An I-it relationship is basically what we create when we are in transactions with people whom we treat like objects—people who are simply there to serve us or complete a task. I-you relationships are characterized by human connection and empathy.
I’m not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them. If we don’t have the energy or time to do that, we should stay at home.
- Narcissism is a form of fear. A shame-based fear of being ordinary.
- In dealing with anxiety, a better approach is to change the behaviors that lead to anxiety. Identify the triggers. It may not be applicable at all times; but by understanding ourselves better, we can minimize this negative feeling.
- Mindfulness is “a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.” When dealing with these types of emotions, practice self-kindness: be warm and understanding toward ourselves. Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket. But be wary of ‘shadow comforts’. Here are examples:
You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness—a real comfort—or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself—a shadow comfort.
For me, sitting down to a wonderful meal is nourishment and pleasure. Eating while I’m standing, be it in front of the refrigerator or inside the pantry, is always a red flag. Sitting down to watch one of my favorite shows on television is pleasure. Flipping through channels for an hour is numbing.
Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?
- Stop thinking from a place of scarcity. “I don’t have enough ___.” (sleep, love, attention, time, money) Appreciate what you already have and stop comparing. Contemplate real hard and maybe, just maybe, you’ll realize that you have enough.
Nostalgia is also a dangerous form of comparison. Think about how often we compare ourselves and our lives to a memory that nostalgia has so completely edited that it never really existed: “Remember when…? Those were the days…”
- While the author advocates openness, she also warns us about oversharing. We still have to make sure that we share our struggles only to people we trust. People who “earned the right to hear them.” You don’t want to share your innermost feelings to someone who don’t care about you only to be disappointed when they don’t react the way you expect them to react. Don’t share to seek attention. It’s not vulnerability.
Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
- The ‘marble jar friends’ analogy. “Trust is built one marble at a time.” You have to read the book to know what this means (haba kasi tinamad na ko i-explain).
Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.
- And the ‘sliding door’ moments. Another good analogy pero again, masyadong mahaba. Basta yun yung noticing these moments when you can have an intimate connection with your partner and then you have the option to ignore or engage. And to build trust, you have to engage, always. It could mean having hard conversations which may make us uncomfortable. But we should know now the importance of normalizing the discomfort.
When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears—the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable.
- Shaming is not a good tool to teach someone a lesson. It is wrong and it’s dangerous. And when you’re in the receiving end of shame, stand up and honor yourself by practicing courage. Lean into the discomfort. Realize that you’re not alone and talk it through with people you trust. What you’re experiencing is human.
There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
Anthem | Leonard Cohen
- Medyo similar dun sa isang book na nabasa ko, yung A Guide to the Good Life, sometimes hindi natin mapigilan magisip ng mga disaster na pwedeng mangyari. Especially daw when we’re feeling joy. Yung pag sobrang saya mo tapos biglang mapapaisip ka na, “Ano kayang kasunod nito? Baka may masamang mangyari kasi sobrang saya ko.” She calls it ‘foreboding joy’. At similar ng advice yung dalwang books, which is to be grateful. Savor the moment kumbaga. Just be grateful and appreciate the moment or the person. Fuel the joy with gratitude.
- Belonging is different from fitting in. Fitting in is seeking approval. If we always try to fit in, it just means that we’re not happy with ourselves. That we’re not proud of our authenticity. Stop winning over people who don’t matter. You don’t want your life to be a never-ending performance.
True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
- Uncool is the new cool. The following quotes explains this well:
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.
Almost Famous
Cool is one of the most rampant forms of cynicism. Whatever. Totally Lame. So uncool. Who gives a shit? Among some folks it’s almost as if enthusiasm and engagement have become a sign of gullibility. Being too excited or invested makes you lame.
Don’t try to win over the haters; you’re not the jackass whisperer.
UnMarketing | Scott Stratten
- Eto about sa parenting pero hindi ako parent. Nagandahan lang talaga ko dun sa quote.
The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?
I-add ko din yung passage na ni-share nya from a classic children’s book entitled The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. Sobrang ganda kasi.
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Gandaaaaa.
RATING [4 🌟]
Ang dami kong natutunan sa libro na ‘to. Super insightful nya and may mga topics na feeling mo normal topics lang pero pwede mo pa pala syang tignan sa ibang angle. Na-appreciate ko din yung mga real life examples from the research participants and of course, yung personal examples nya. Siguro kung tatanungin ako kung kelangan pa bang basahin ‘tong book kung napanood mo na yung Ted Talk nya at yung Netflix special nya, I think yes pa rin. Lalo na siguro kung leader ka, wife/husband, or if you’re a parent.
MORE QUOTES
One of the tragic ironies of modern life is that so many people feel isolated from each other by the very feelings they have in common.
Sir Ken Robinson
We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.
If you asked us today what we believe is the key to our relationship, the answer would be vulnerability, love, humor, respect, shame-free fighting, and blame-free living.
Perfection is the enemy of done.
Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead.
Seth Godin | Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us
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Gleniz Da Menace 