My Decembers

December is a sensitive month for me. Kasi simula pagkabata, as mentioned before, ito yung favorite month ko. Festive and vibrant ang paligid, magbi-birthday ako, nung bata ako alam kong magkakaron ako ng pera pamamasko, nung tumanda na nakakatuwa yung mga sale, and just overall looking forward to family holiday events. My brain had a certain expectation pagsapit ng December, built from my childhood and was a constant part of my world. Pero nagbago lahat yun nung nag-move kami sa Canada.

Sobrang hirap ng drastic shift nung una. More or less 25 years naka-ingrain sa utak ko na the best ang December, tapos nung 2018 biglang nagbago. Nag-struggle yung utak kong mag-adjust sa nakasanayan ko ng ilang decades. Naka-walong Decembers na kami dito sa Canada, at nagkaron ng isang Pasko (2019) na nag-iiyak at nagtulog lang ako maghapon. For many years pamilya ko sa Pinas ang lagi kong kasama, at nung moment na yun, hindi ko matanggap yung reality na hindi sila ang kasama ko. Meron din namang mga Decembers na genuinely masaya, thinking na naka-adjust na talaga ko at nawala na yung natitirang bitterness. Pero hindi pala. May mga times pa rin talaga na sumisilip yung gatiting na disappointment.

Pero kung ikukumpara naman dati, sobrang nag-improve na yung December expectations ko. Yes, merong highs and lows, pero ang overall trajectory nya ay pataas (parang stock market lang). We’re making the most out of where we are now, and I think that’s what’s important. Hindi katulad nung Christmas 2019 na parang nag-give up na lang ako at nagkulong sa apartment.

I don’t think dadating ako sa point na magiging sobrang favorite ko ulit ang Decembers (huhu). Panahon na para i-let go ang hope na yun. Ito siguro yung kelangan kong i-accept—that no matter what, I will feel these feelings and think these thoughts (in varying degrees) during the holiday season. That I might write about these things again next December as a way to weather the holiday blues. The hope is not to extinguish the melancholy and these feelings of yearning, but to write about them with less and less bitterness as time goes by—to grow increasingly confident of the life we chose here.