Gift Unwrapped

I’ve been tinkering on this blog post for some time now. The thoughts are concrete in my mind, but I find it challenging to put them into words. I know that I have to have it written just in case my mind wanders too much or get confused. Finally I finished it and here it is:

Through reading books and listening to intellectual conversations on podcasts, I’ve often encountered questions like, “What is your purpose?” “What’s your ikigai?” “What is your life’s mission? Your vocation?” They highlighted how important it is to have an answer, but these questions leave me stunned and speechless because I really don’t know. I envy those who have figured out theirs and are actively pursuing it.

I feel like it’s easier for some people. Kenneth, for example, is very serious about his career, so I believe what keeps him going for now is to climb the corporate ladder and provide for our small furry family. For mothers, it’s to be a good mom and raise well-adjusted kids. For religious people, it’s to serve God. For someone like me who isn’t focused on career advancement, isn’t a mom, does not have a religion, it’s quite hard. I feel like I’m at a disadvantage figuring this out. But I thought, maybe I just need some time. And indeed, time is what I needed.

Months went by and I get distracted with life, I came across this book that brought me comfort. Our book club was still active that time, and we chose to read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl (this was 2 years ago). The author suggested that one doesn’t need to figure out their purpose right away. That your purpose can change, and it can be different at different times. He also advised against deriving your purpose from one aspect of your life only. We have different roles, and each role has different responsibilities, big or small. For a while, this perspective satisfied me. It lifted something heavy from my chest. But eventually, that narrative stopped working completely. I do still believe most of it, but I find it too short-lived. I needed something more solid and pronounced.

One day at the office, I was listening to this audiobook, A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and something just clicked. It wasn’t even a book about meaning and purpose, but it left me pondering. The book unwillingly led me to question our existence and why humans evolved into rational beings. Why did natural selection make it happen? Earth didn’t need human consciousness. This planet has been thriving for billions of years without us! My mind went into a rabbit hole and I could not take it. I’m being serious when I say that it was some sort of out-of-body experience. My mind got sucked into a wormhole. I needed to come back and land on my feet. I immediately stopped listening to the audiobook. Slowly, I tried to become aware of my surroundings. I didn’t like the feeling. I kind of felt scared. But, as I mentioned earlier, something clicked.

I concluded that seeking a definitive answer would be a fool’s errand and would drive someone insane. Forget about the unanswerable questions, and simply accept that we are given a gift: the gift of life. A gift we didn’t ask for but would be foolish to reject. It involves suffering, yes, but also unimaginable beauty. And what do I do when given a valuable gift? I should be grateful. I must honor and take care of it. Embrace it with all its complexities.

This realization led me to my answer, which is to honor this gift, which means honoring my life, myself. To show my appreciation for this gift by taking care of my health, both mental and physical. To be responsible for my well-being. It’s the natural thing to do, the right thing to do. It doesn’t stop there though. A thought came to mind that would further express my appreciation for this gift, which is to let my gift also be a gift to others. To share my gift in meaningful ways. An image suddenly comes to mind—people taking care of their gifts and sharing them with others. What bliss!

Aside from sharing gifts, it’s also nice to think that we are receiving gifts all the time. The gift of nature, the gift of art, the gift of music, the gift of love, the gift of time, gifts we don’t realize are gifts. We are living with such abundance. However, as expected, I switched from being too idealistic, to being brutally realistic.

Reflecting on this new purpose, I see it as both simple and complex. It’s easy to say that I should take care of myself, but there are times when it’s tricky. There are distractions, lots of temptations. There are also times when being a gift to others is harddd. I could get easily triggered. I may find some people not deserving of my gift, because they don’t appreciate it, or tend to abuse it. Maybe there will be times when too much gift sharing will be counterproductive, thus boundaries are needed. These are the harsh and uncomfortable truths we all encounter. That’s why I think it’s essential to have our own gift taken cared of first. Wisdom and proper judgment are needed to handle these realities.

As they say, the bad times are there so we can appreciate the good times even more. One couldn’t exist without the other. At the end of the day, whatever happens, I will go back to my purpose, which is to take good care of my gift, and hopefully be a gift to others. It will not be perfect, I am bound to fail. But the important thing is I care about failing, and I care about doing better next time. These words will serve as my anchor to the present, and north star for the future.

It’s mortality that makes this life mean something. Your choices matter, you’re here for a short time. What are you gonna do with that precious gift you call your life?

Dr. James Hollis, psychoanalyst and author