Month: September 2021

Just now ginoogle (nag-struggle ako pano i-spell), ni-Google? Ginugel. Basta nag-search ako sa Google ng, “how to be less tense” dahil nga pansin ko, parang lagi akong gigil. Gigil ako maligo, mag-toothbrush, mag-luto. Yun bang feeling ko nauubusan ako ng oras so kelangan kong magmadali kahit hindi naman. Hindi ko alam bakit yung mga ordinary activities like maghugas ng pinggan, magtiklop ng kumot, parang nastress ako. Basta yun yung feeling ko. Na kelangan kong magmadali. Na hinahabol ko yung oras. Kahit alam ko naman na wala naman akong hinahabol, hindi ko kelangan magmadali. Hindi ko maintindihan.

So based sa Google, expected ko na yung mga usual advice na meditate, breathing exercises, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nakikita yung benefit kahit na-try ko na sya ilang beses. Siguro dahil hindi ako consistent. Pero yung isang advice ay: mag journal. Kaya nandito ako ngayon. Kasi ito yung tried and tested method na gagaan yung pakiramdam ko once magsulat ako dito.

Hindi ko lang maintindihan bakit may ganun akong tendency and almost everyday sya. Parang everyday nga talaga. Pero recently mas nagiging aware na ko so sinasadya kong bagalan yung galaw ko pero yung utak ko sinasabi pa rin na, “Bilis bilis!” So hinahayaan ko lang sya basta sinasadya ko pa ring bagalan yung paggalaw. Pero hindi pa rin sya nakakatulong kasi ang gusto kong mawala is yung pagiisip kong magmabilis. Kelangan kong rumelaks.

*after some more googling*

Isa daw reason is perfectionism. Which I can agree. Siguro may tendency yung utak ko na isipin na, “Today should be a productive day. Today should be a perfect day.” Parang totoo nga. Whether I think about it consciously or subconsciously, mukang ganun nga yung nangyayari.

Not only is this pursuit fruitless – “perfect” simply doesn’t exist – but it’s also exhausting. 

When we’re living in permanent “chaser” mode, hankering after what comes next – we miss the moment. We’re going to find ourselves struggling to find contentment with what’s happening right now.

https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/

May tina-try akong i-apply na mantra before (actually hanggang ngayon naman) dahil hindi naman ito yung first time na na-notice ko ‘to sa sarili ko. Yung mantra is: Slow, intentional living. Nahihirapan lang akong i-apply dahil nga hindi ko pa rin maiwasan makaalis sa “chaser mode”. I think the only thing to do is, try better next time. Try lang ng try. Parang yun lang talaga ang magagawa ko.

What’s more, it reaps havoc on our physical health. Chronic tension pushes our body into an almost constant state of “fight-or-flight” with heavy consequences (headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure etc).

https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/

I bet it also causes chronic low grade inflammation—which I’m trying to avoid. Lastly from this article:

Perfectionism has been passed down by the generations before you – but it’s not your weight to carry. Shifting the focus to getting your deeper needs met – rather than the superficial ones – is going to help you gradually restructure your life in a way that allows space for fun, love and connection, bringing with it more lasting fulfilment.

https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/

Ugh gusto ko yung “Perfectionism is not your weight to carry.” at “getting your deeper needs met”. Ganda. So yun. Sinasabi ko na nga ba pagsusulat lang ang sagot (and Google). See? I feel so much better. Self therapy is the best. I guess yun nga. Just try to be better. And again, self compassion if I screw up. Be patient with myself. Thanks self!