Gleniz Da Menace
Pagbukas ko ng bintana, bumulagta sakin ang malawak na asul at matingkad na kahel. Sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. Nakatitig lang ako ng ilang minuto habang nakangiti at nilalanghap ang sandaling ito. Inisa-isa kong tinitigan ang mga punong walang dahon at napansin kong umiindayog sila sa ihip ng hangin na mistulang kumakaway. Hindi maikakaila na panandalian nitong naiibsan ang lumbay at ligalig ng buhay—kahit ilang minuto lang. Salamat sa kamangha-manghang palabas. Sana bukas ulit.
After reading a chapter, I placed Mary Oliver’s Upstream close to my chest. And this is the first time I’ve ever hugged a book.
Sinabayan ko ng music at meditation yung yoga ko kanina. Ang sarap. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam.
Ilang araw na kong atat na atat magkwento dito. Ang dami kasing masasayang nangyari nung uwi ko ng Pinas. Lagi kong pinagpapabukas kasi alam kong matatagalan ako sa pagkikwento pero pakiramdam ko kailangan ko nang magsimula bago pa lumipas.
Unang una, ramdam ko na may nagbago. At sobrang wini-wish ko na sana permanente yung pagbabago na nangyari sakin. Or pwedeng nasa high pa ako ng bakasyon ko?
Magsusulat na ko bago pa ko madistract ng ibang mga bagay. Pa-aga ng pa-aga ang gising ko. Siguro dahil pa-late ng pa-late ang sunrise tapos ang aga na lumubog ng araw. Nakaka-feel good kasi hindi ako fan ng sunshine. As mentioned before, gusto ko gloomy and moody yung atmosphere. Narerelax talaga yung isip ko pag ganun.
At gusto ko yung ganito na maaga yung gising ko. Gusto ko pang mas agahan. Ang peaceful kasi sa umaga. Totoo talaga na iba yung calmness pag yung mga tao tulog pa tapos ikaw nagsisimula ka na sa araw mo pero hindi ka nagmamadali. Nakapag yoga din ako kanina so ang sarap sa katawan dahil nga lagi lang naman akong nakaupo buong araw.
Extra peaceful ngayon kasi solo lang ako dito sa bahay. Kelangan pumunta ni Kenneth sa office so pwede akong mag-sounds. Tapos umaambon pa. Ang saraaap. Parang ang perfect ng start ng araw na ‘to.
Nae-excite tuloy ako mag-prepare ng breakfast ko. Baka kainin ko na lang yung tirang beef strips na minarinate sa Korean sweet sauce. Tapos yung blueberry bagel lalagyan ko ng cream cheese at strawberry jam. Sarap! Tapos manonood ako ng crypto news sa YT. Hays. Ang ganda ng araw na ‘to. Sana consistent hanggang mamaya.
Just now ginoogle (nag-struggle ako pano i-spell), ni-Google? Ginugel. Basta nag-search ako sa Google ng, “how to be less tense” dahil nga pansin ko, parang lagi akong gigil. Gigil ako maligo, mag-toothbrush, mag-luto. Yun bang feeling ko nauubusan ako ng oras so kelangan kong magmadali kahit hindi naman. Hindi ko alam bakit yung mga ordinary activities like maghugas ng pinggan, magtiklop ng kumot, parang nastress ako. Basta yun yung feeling ko. Na kelangan kong magmadali. Na hinahabol ko yung oras. Kahit alam ko naman na wala naman akong hinahabol, hindi ko kelangan magmadali. Hindi ko maintindihan.
So based sa Google, expected ko na yung mga usual advice na meditate, breathing exercises, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nakikita yung benefit kahit na-try ko na sya ilang beses. Siguro dahil hindi ako consistent. Pero yung isang advice ay: mag journal. Kaya nandito ako ngayon. Kasi ito yung tried and tested method na gagaan yung pakiramdam ko once magsulat ako dito.
Hindi ko lang maintindihan bakit may ganun akong tendency and almost everyday sya. Parang everyday nga talaga. Pero recently mas nagiging aware na ko so sinasadya kong bagalan yung galaw ko pero yung utak ko sinasabi pa rin na, “Bilis bilis!” So hinahayaan ko lang sya basta sinasadya ko pa ring bagalan yung paggalaw. Pero hindi pa rin sya nakakatulong kasi ang gusto kong mawala is yung pagiisip kong magmabilis. Kelangan kong rumelaks.
*after some more googling*
Isa daw reason is perfectionism. Which I can agree. Siguro may tendency yung utak ko na isipin na, “Today should be a productive day. Today should be a perfect day.” Parang totoo nga. Whether I think about it consciously or subconsciously, mukang ganun nga yung nangyayari.
Not only is this pursuit fruitless – “perfect” simply doesn’t exist – but it’s also exhausting.
When we’re living in permanent “chaser” mode, hankering after what comes next – we miss the moment. We’re going to find ourselves struggling to find contentment with what’s happening right now.
https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/
May tina-try akong i-apply na mantra before (actually hanggang ngayon naman) dahil hindi naman ito yung first time na na-notice ko ‘to sa sarili ko. Yung mantra is: Slow, intentional living. Nahihirapan lang akong i-apply dahil nga hindi ko pa rin maiwasan makaalis sa “chaser mode”. I think the only thing to do is, try better next time. Try lang ng try. Parang yun lang talaga ang magagawa ko.
What’s more, it reaps havoc on our physical health. Chronic tension pushes our body into an almost constant state of “fight-or-flight” with heavy consequences (headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure etc).
https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/
I bet it also causes chronic low grade inflammation—which I’m trying to avoid. Lastly from this article:
Perfectionism has been passed down by the generations before you – but it’s not your weight to carry. Shifting the focus to getting your deeper needs met – rather than the superficial ones – is going to help you gradually restructure your life in a way that allows space for fun, love and connection, bringing with it more lasting fulfilment.
https://myonlinetherapy.com/why-am-i-so-tense-all-the-time/
Ugh gusto ko yung “Perfectionism is not your weight to carry.” at “getting your deeper needs met”. Ganda. So yun. Sinasabi ko na nga ba pagsusulat lang ang sagot (and Google). See? I feel so much better. Self therapy is the best. I guess yun nga. Just try to be better. And again, self compassion if I screw up. Be patient with myself. Thanks self!
So far, I’m doing a good job na hindi mag-scroll sa social media. Hindi ko alam kung kelan nagsimula basta bigla ko na lang ulit naisipan na burahin ang Instagram, Messenger at Facebook sa phone ko. Na-try ko na ‘to several times pero so far eto yung pinaka-successful. And yung amazing pa is, hindi ko sya nami-miss. Hindi ako hindi napapakali.
Burado yung mga apps sa phone ko pero nasa iPad ko sya. Pero ang maganda kasi sa iPad, malaki sya at mabigat. Hindi sya katulad ng phone na easy access. Tapos ang hirap pa mag-type sa iPad so nakakatamad gawin yung mga typical na ginagawa sa phone.
Pag nagch-check ako ng Instagram sa iPad, yun eh dahil gusto ko lang makita kung may bagong IG story or DM yung bunsong kapatid namin. Kasi kalimitan dun sya mahilig mag-chat hindi sa Messenger (ganun ata pag Gen Z) tapos gusto kong makita yung mga post nya kay Whiskey (pusa nila). As in yun lang ginagawa ko. Hindi na ko nagch-check ng feed at stories ng iba.
Sa rare occasion naman na mag-check ako ng FB, ganun din hindi rin ako nags-scroll ng feed ko. Check ko lang kung may importanteng notification tapos titingnan ko yung Memories para makapag-reminisce ng konti tapos yun na.
May healthier relationship na rin ako sa Messenger. Hindi katulad noon na maya’t maya yung pagcheck ko. Tapos yung mga My Day, yung sa mga kapatid at kamaganak ko lang yung tinitingnan ko. Yun eh pag trip ko lang maningin kasi minsan wala naman sa isip kong mag-check.
Wala akong strict rules simula nung dinelete ko yung mga apps na ‘to sa phone ko pero ganito yung nangyari. Nakaka-peaceful ng buhay. Hindi ako overstimulated tapos wala masyadong triggers. Nakakatuwa nga minsan kasi yung iba magse-send ng pictures ng baby or pet nila. Nakahalata ata sila na hindi na ko ma-social media. At least yung ganun mas special. Direct yung communication. At pinaalam ko na rin naman dati sa mga close friends ko na tawagan lang nila ko anytime since flexible naman yung oras ko.
Yung mas ginagamit ko ngayon eh Twitter at YouTube. Para lang maging updated sa latest crypto news. Minsan magt-tweet ako pag naisipan ko. Parang ngayon.
Yung pinaka amazing pala, I don’t feel like I’m missing out. Eto na ata talaga yung sinasabi nila na JOMO (joy of missing out).
Q: What is my why?
A: To live comfortably but simple, while having enough time and resources to travel and do my hobbies (reading, playing the piano, learning languages).
Q: But this is what I’m already doing now (except for the traveling).
A: So my goal is to maintain this lifestyle? Maybe I should add another layer to my purpose.
Q: Okay. I want to sustain and nourish my relationships with people I care about and help the world become a better place. What do I have to do now?
A: So put more effort in connecting with people and hustle more to earn extra income to help the world.
Challenges:
Advice:
We must always try to picture the worst that could happen and then remind ourselves that the worst is survivable. The goal is not to imagine that bad things don’t unfold, it’s to see that we are far more capable of enduring than we currently think of.
The School Of Life, Why Stoicism Continues to Matter
And I thought about how, actually, if you wanted to, you could say the same thing about life. That life is terrifying and overwhelming and it can happen at any moment. And when you’re confronted with life you can either be cowardly or you can be brave, but either way you’re going to live. So might as well be brave.
Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory — Raphael Bob-Waksberg
Instead of assuming you’re behind, you can ask: “Where did I get the idea that I’m supposed to be following someone else’s timeline?”
Instead of assuming other people are better than you, you can ask: “Do I really believe any human is inherently better than another or am I just trying to find more ways to be hard on myself?”
Instead of assuming you can’t change, you can ask: “What if assuming I can’t change is one of the factors making it hard for me to change?”
Instead of assuming other people must feel a certain way about you, you can ask: “What would it be like to let other people have their own feelings instead of trying to assume I always know what those feelings are?”
— Lisa Olivera
Gleniz Da Menace 